Monday, August 15, 2011

Moving In and Moving Up

Well this is it. I’m finally on my own. It’s been about a day and a half since I’ve been on my own. My friends and family helped me move in yesterday and it was a pretty easy process although I had to endure it all while maintaining a hangover. But that’s neither here nor there. There weren’t many big items to move; just my desk and my bed. So even though I’m not in my old room anymore, at least I’m still sleeping on my same bed that I’ve had for a while now. Honestly, it still hasn’t hit me that I’m on my own. Well it has but it hasn’t. It’s all hitting me little by little. The biggest jolt by the fact that I’m on my own was when my family was getting ready to leave to go home. I actually cried a little. Not sobbing crying, but a tear left my eye and fell to the ground. That happened when I was saying “goodbye” to my mom. I asked her one thing before she left. I asked, “Mom, are you proud of me?” She said, “Of course I am. I‘m going to miss you.” She said that right before she hugged me and squeezed me tight, reluctant to let go. It really made me sad. I tried to hold my emotions in but I didn’t care. At the same time it made me glad to know I had emotions, to know I truly felt something. It’s good to feel something. It shows you have a soul. It shows you are a human being with compassion and a heart. But overall, I was more sad than happy. I was going to miss these people. My family. The people I’ve lived with for 18 years won’t be there the next morning when I wake up. They are only an hour and a half away. But it’s not like we’ll be making that trip all the time. I’ll probably try to visit as much as I can though.

I’m actually tearing up right now just thinking about it. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be? Making your parents proud? They give you the gift of life and all you can do in return is make them proud to have had you. It sucks when parents don’t feel proud. You do something in hopes of getting their approval and they dismiss it. Everyone should be proud, because everyone is good at something. That something doesn’t have to be what someone else is good at. Everyone must find their own thing. I’m still looking for mine. I’m good at school because I’m good at doing things other people tell me. How awful does that sound? I don’t like to teach myself anything because I’m probably to scared to fail. I give myself the excuse that I want to learn from the best so I can be the best, but that comes from shear fear. I honestly don’t know much about anything. I don’t know much about life. I feel that the school system has failed me. School is just regurgitating facts back out at the teachers so they feel that they taught you something, even though you forget it all a couple weeks later. I think school is just a test. Well everything up to high school is anyway. It’s a test to see whether or not you can handle the forcing of information onto you. Most of the stuff we will never see again. They just test us to see that we are capable of learning something and progressing as a person. Once we pass the test, then what? After years and years of listening to someone tell you everything and you repeat it right back to them, what do you do? They’re not always going to be there telling you what to do. That is what is so messed up about school. All your life, you’ve been told what to do. Then at the end of all that, they just throw you out there and say “go do it.” But do what? No one is going to hold your hand forever and guide you through life. One day you’re going to be on your own. And it’s going to be scary. I’m scared right now. Scared of the world. Scared of the people in the world. Scared of what will become of me in my life. Will I succeed? Will I fail? Will I be happy? Will I be sad? Everything can all end in an instant. It’s scary to think that, but it happens. Mistakes do happen, some more damaging than others. I’m afraid to make mistakes. But good things happen from mistakes. Hopefully. Because you can learn from those mistakes. If you don’t learn anything, you’ve wasted an opportunity to grow.

So I’m sitting here in my studio apartment on my laptop all by myself with my half-empty Bud Light can next to me. Yes I said “half-empty” because “half-full” just doesn’t fit with the tone of this essay. I don’t think that thinking the can is half-empty is a bad thing because it just means you miss what was once there. You enjoyed what was there and now it’s gone. As long as you enjoyed it while it was there, I think that is a good thing. I’m talking right now as if I’m high on medical marijuana or something, but I assure you I am not. I’ve been in this room all day because I don’t know what to do outside. I’m not the type of person to go up to someone and introduce myself. For those of you who know me know that this is incredibly true. I’m not going to jump in the pool and swim next to some random people and say “Hi, can I join you?” I’ll probably wait to meet people in my classes. Other than that, it looks like I might be in this room for a while. Actually early this morning I talked to the management because roaches showed up in my apartment. Yes I am living in a roach-infested apartment. Fascinating, right? Anyways, I reported the bug problem to them and the bug guy will come here on Wednesday. It’s Sunday today. You do the math. So instead of wait while bugs crawl by the soles of my feet, I went to Target to buy some bug spray and other essential items; which reminds me, I need to buy one of those shower hanger things to put the soap and stuff on. It’s a lot of effort to bend over for soap. For those of you wondering, I do shower alone. The only downside is sharing the bathroom with the apartment next to me. Oh well. As long as he doesn’t rush me while I’m taking a shit, I’ll be fine. I like sitting on the toilet for a long time. I know it’s bad for you, but it’s enjoyable. I can read my books and magazines and catch up on my thoughts. Sometimes I’m on it for so long that my legs fall asleep. Is that bad? Probably. Do I do it anyway? Yes, I do.

I think that this is it for now. I have other things on my mind but I’m not going to share them with the internet universe. Some things should be kept private. Anyways, tomorrow I’m going to try to explore the town around me. I plan on visiting my future school again and locating the buildings where my classes are. Sounds like a good plan. I’ll let you know if I follow through with them.